Retrospect
by Buffyfan428
Summary: After successfully defeating the Mayor and stopping the Ascension at graduation, Xander and Angel are forced to say goodbye. Xander, looking back on their relationship, begins to wonder if he really can learn to live without Angel.
1. Parting

**Title: **Retrospect

**Pairing:** Xander/Angel (mostly)

**Content Warnings: **Slash

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. I just worhip it.

**Author's Notes: **This fanfic is set during Season 3. It starts at the end of the story, goes back to the beginning and then works it's way back up. Basically, while rewatching Season 3 I noticed it was rampant with moments and exchanges between Xander and Angel that with some clever manipulation and reading between the lines could have hinted there was more going on than others knew. I used this idea to create this story, incorporating not only events from Season 3 episodes, but actual dialogues and scenes so people could see how things fit in.

A few important notes on the format of my writing:

** = Replacement quotation marks to indicate actual dialogue from a television episode

---- = A memory that includes an actual scene from the show

___ = A memory of my own original conception and creation

_Italics_ = Thoughts/Inner dialogue of a character.

Enjoy!

The air was rampant with the very pungent odor of smoke, burning wood, and what Xander assumed to be about fifty feet of fried, snakey, Mayor Wilkins goodness spattered about, as he stood, hands in his pockets, and watched as firefighters futilely attempted to contain the fires that burned Sunnydale High to the ground.

_It's really over_, Xander thought to himself. The Mayor was no longer an issue, except for maybe the custodial staff. Faith was getting some long deserved sleepy time, and the threat of the ascension was no more. Vampires had been dusted and demons had been slain, yet Xander felt something was lacking. Perhaps it was closure.

Four years of what could only be described as sheer and unadulterated hell at Sunnydale High, or the giant bonfire that now stood in its place, were finally over. Xander had graduated-- well technically, even though the ceremony was interrupted by a giant demon snake and the school, and said demon snake, were blown to bits and Xander was definitely tired, to say the least.

Yet a nagging feeling persisted in the pit of his stomach. Was it hunger? Nah. Well he actually was quite hungry, but that wasn't the root of it.

He turned his attention away from the school, banishing a fleeting thought of _Darn I should've brought some marshmallows!_, and surveyed the area. A dozen ambulances, students and faculty being attended to by paramedics-- the worst was definitely over, but even as Sunnydale was burning to the ground it still managed to bring chaos to those who had survived.

Xander did another very brief inspection of himself. Other than a scrape or two… or three or four, all limbs and appendages were still very attached and fully functioning. He was alive.

And this was a relief beyond any words Xander could muster, as ever since news of the Mayor's plans to attack at graduation, Xander had this unwavering suspicion that he wouldn't make it and Sunnydale would win its claim over his soul. Not that he hadn't been robbed of it already by the horror that was high school, but he was undeniably alive. And damned happy about it.

His mind took him back to just two days before the now averted apocalypse to one of his usual stimulating conversations with Cordelia in what was now the very charred halls of Sunnydale High.

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Cordelia was in line to pick up her cap and gown as Xander sauntered over to the now available spot next to her.

Noting his presence, while examining the gowns with clearly a disapproving expression on her face, she complained, **I can't believe this loser look. I lobbied so hard for the teal! No one ever listens to me! Lone, fashionable wolf!_**_

Xander was signing off for his as he replied, with a slight smile, **I like the maroon. It has more dignity.**

_**_Dignity? You? In relation to clothes I'm lost in a sea of confusion,_**_ she responded, as they took their gowns and walked away from the table and further into the hall.

**I just want to look respectable in this… considering I'm probably going to die in it!** he exclaimed, his expression suddenly turning to worry.

**Excuse me?**

**I'm telling you, I woke up today with this feeling in my gut. I just know,** he paused and looked around at the bustling student body before resuming, **there is no way I'm getting out of this school alive!**

Cordelia surveyed him with a look of pity. **Wow you've really mastered the power of positive giving up!**

Xander spoke again, his voice rising frantically, **I've been lucky too many times! My number's coming up,** he was on the verge of panicking now, **and now we're short. One more rotation and I'm stateside! You know what I mean?**

Cordelia simply answered, **Seldom; if ever.**

She walked away leaving Xander dismayed.

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Xander smiled, coming out of the memory he was recalling and back to the very frantic, yet somehow relaxed reality.

Yup. He reveled in the fact that he had done something that didn't happen often-- proved himself wrong.

He suddenly wondered if that was a good thing, his survival that is, as the lingering pang in his stomach fluctuated at the sight of… him.

He was standing away from the craziness of the rescue crew and firefighters calmly as smoke billowed around him, illuminated by the red and blue ambulance lights. Still. Watching him.

Xander's heart suddenly felt a twinge similar to that in his stomach as he caught Angel's gaze. _Stupid hormone-controlled body and organs_, Xander thought to himself. He wondered why every time he looked into Angel's eyes his heart fluttered, and he felt butterflies in his stomach, yet his brain never rose to the occasion and sent off sirens to use his better judgment. It succeeded a number of occasions, he reminded himself, but at this point in time his emotions would win the battle over his head. At least temporarily.

He was worried, as he began to take the first step toward Angel, if he would turn and walk, maybe even run, in the other direction. He had said if they survived, he would leave, and not say goodbye. Xander knew this, and his head told him not to give in. Not to make a scene. Not to run over there, not caring what rescue men, students, or Scooby may have seen him, fling his arms around Angel's neck and beg him to stay. He knew he couldn't do it. But his heart told him maybe Angel lied, or changed his mind. Regardless, couldn't just stand there either, and risk Angel leaving without knowing… Xander wasn't sure what he wanted Angel to know, but he knew it couldn't go unaddressed.

So he composed himself as he cautiously, but assertively, began to walk slowly in Angel's direction. He sighed in relief when it became apparent Angel was not going anywhere, and slightly quickened his pace. His heart began to race, and he didn't care if Angel and his very astute vampire senses could hear it. He never took his eyes from Angel's gaze as he closed the distance between them, until he stood a foot away from the man, who at one time held his heart. Who Xander knew deep down, still held it in his undead hands.

Nothing was said-- at least not literally. They simply stood and let their eyes do the talking. Every time Xander looked into Angel's penetrating eyes (a description he'd borrowed from Buffy's diary [which he never intended for her to find out he had briefly read]) he felt as though the vampire was searching his soul, or reading his thoughts, or both.

Angel's expression was blank, but Xander could see so many emotions in his eyes. Relief. Anger. Regret. Sorrow… Love. And Xander wanted nothing more than to communicate those exact feelings he reciprocated through speech, but he felt talking wasn't appropriate. At least not yet.

Somehow, a mutual understanding was met, triggered by Angel looking around at the frenzy just over Xander's shoulder, and he followed the brooding vampire as they sought a place away from it all. A place where they could be together, maybe talk (for perhaps the last time), in private.

They continued to walk until Angel stopped under a tall tree which had surprisingly been unaffected by the explosion and fires that ensued. He slowly turned to face Xander with those pain-love-filled eyes, now a bit moist (and Xander hoped this was not simply his mind playing tricks on him or a side-effect of the smoke) and gazed into Xander's, which were about to spill over with tears.

Before Xander knew it he was in Angel's embrace, and despite the lingering noise of the crews at work, surviving students chatting, and the smoke that seemed to be everywhere, all Xander knew was he was in the arms of the man he loved, and it was right. It was perfect.

Xander didn't know how long they stayed this way, which often happened in moments like these, and he didn't care to know. He simply stroked the taller man's hair, who had his head nestled between his younger love's neck and shoulder. Xander was definitely alive, and although his head wasn't sure it wanted to admit it, he was happier Angel was alive as well.

Angel lifted his head and began speaking, hardly above a whisper, "I couldn't leave without knowing you were-"

"I know," Xander interrupted. "I'm okay. And so are you, and that's the most important thing."

Angel painfully met Xander's eyes again, and opened his mouth to speak before, several times, closing it. He finally managed to utter, "But-"

"I know," Xander repeated. With one word (_one conjunction to be exact_ his inner Willow reminded him) his world came crashing down. He choked on his words and he tried to hide the way his voice faltered before saying, "It doesn't change anything."

Angel lightly brushed Xander's cheek with his hand, and Xander began to tremble. _Stupid body_, he thought to himself. _You always betray me!_ The last thing he wanted to do was show Angel how much this was hurting him. One of them had to be strong, and since he lacked Angel's vampiric ability to sense other's bodily functions and emotions, he couldn't be sure how strong Angel was behind his, for the most part, collected expression.

He knew Angel knew though. He always had a way of knowing what Xander was thinking. Suddenly he moved and Xander flinched, shrinking from his lover's embrace.

"Xander?" Angel muttered, for the first time letting his face and his voice betray his front-- showing hurt. "Xander, I-"

"Angel, no," Xander said forcefully, as he could no longer prevent his tears from spilling over his eyelids. "If you- if you kiss me… I may never want to let you go."

He felt his knees weaken as he said the word "go", but of course Angel was there to catch him before he fell too far, and despite his protest, Angel, as he always did, knew what Xander really wanted.

Xander's whole body became warm as Angel's lips pressed incredibly gently against his, and before he realized what he was doing his eyes were closed and he had his hands in Angel's hair and was pulling him in, deepening the kiss. At first it was tender and loving, but quickly became possessive and pain filled. This was beautiful. Even though Xander knew Angel was still leaving, it was perfect and as he promised, he didn't want it to end.

But before Xander knew it, the kiss was over as Angel whispered in his ear the three words Xander least wanted to hear right now, or maybe most wanted to hear, "I love you." Xander sighed, and felt as though the rest of the world had completely disappeared-- apart from him and Angel. Angel kissed that spot on Xander's neck, his spot, the spot that tickled him, but in the best sense of the word, before adding, "And I-I'm so sorry."

"Angel, I-" but before Xander could finish, his body came back to its senses and he realized he was no longer in Angel's arms. He opened his eyes slowly, and saw what he feared the very most. Angel was gone.

And for the first time since the very last vampire had been dusted in battle, Xander wished he hadn't survived. Because if he hadn't survived at least he wouldn't have to face the pain of knowing the one true love of his life was leaving, and no matter how much he told him he loved him, and knew that love was returned, he would not change his mind. Angel wanted-- no-- needed to find his redemption, and Xander couldn't-- no-- wouldn't stand in his way. But at least, had he died, he could have been spared what he was sure would be months of crying and cursing and asking God why he could be so cruel.

But his head, finally stepping up to the plate, took a hold of him. _Get a grip Xander_, he thought. _No matter how much you want to collapse, and cry, and curse and everything else you want to do, you have to be strong. You can do this… you can learn to live… without him._

Xander began repeating to himself, _you can learn to live without him_, using it as a defense mechanism to keep his body from shutting down; his heart from stopping to beat, as he feared it may should he let it gain dominance over his head.

_You can learn to live without him. You can learn to live without him._ He continued to chant this to himself, as he began to take steps back towards reality, and every time he thought he might fall he would say his chant to himself, and would somehow, although he wasn't sure he believed it to be true, find comfort and the courage to keep going.

After gaining full control over his body (and only partial control of his emotions) again, and breathing regularly once more, he searched the crowd of people for one of his friends-- any of them. Even Cordelia would prove to be a comfort right now with her shallow judgments and irritating sarcasm. And then he saw… her.

An ultimately short girl, with blonde hair was standing a few yards away from him. It wasn't too long before she noticed him, and the next thing he knew they were in an embrace. Nothing like the one he'd just shared with… but different. Overtly comforting. Like a brother and sister.

Buffy was the only person who could relate to his feelings right now, even if she didn't have the slightest clue that they were in fact in the same boat when it came to…. Xander had to remind himself he wasn't the only person who was being left behind in Sunnydale by.... In fact he wasn't even the first.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she said, squeezing him tighter.

"Oxygen becoming an issue!" Xander squealed, as Buffy let out a short giggle and let him go. He composed himself and continued, "A few scrapes and cuts, but nothing a bit of time and a band-aid or two won't heal."

Buffy took his hand and squeezed it tight, but not too tightly. Tightly enough to be pleasant and warm. He mustered up all of his energy to sound unaffected by the recent events. Well, as unaffected as someone who had just survived the apocalypse could sound, and asked, "You okay?"

"I'll live," Buffy replied after a thoughtful stare. And with that, they began to stroll through the crowd in search of the others.

They noticed Wesley being wheeled on a stretcher towards an ambulance, almost begging for something to relieve "the pain." They simply looked at each other and shared a smile and silent laugh as they walked on, and he was lifted into the ambulance. Xander noticed Buffy looking around, with a subtle franticness, clearly one that wasn't associated with her searching for a fellow Scooby. Xander knew who she was looking for.

**We got off pretty cheap, considering.** he said, with one final look towards Wesley.

**Seems like we did** Buffy replied without even briefly ending her search. Xander followed her movements as she began to walk ahead of him, finally stopping in front of her. He felt his heart twinge again, and was utterly surprised. He hadn't been sure it was still there.

**He made it through the fight,** he told her, meeting her gaze. She looked into his eyes, and Xander saw clear hurt, similar to the hurt he had seen in… He continued, **I guess maybe…** another twinge, **he took off after.**

He easily noticed Buffy trying to put on her resolved face, but the hurt remained in her eyes.

He did what he could possibly do best to make her feel better, and gave her his best attempt at a comforting smile, before turning, his smile fading and walking away. She needed a moment alone. Maybe he did too. And he shook his head, thinking, Buffy would never know how much they really had in common.

His vision was stimulated at the sight of brilliant red hair, and he knew he'd spotted another friend. Not surprisingly, next to the red-haired girl was a short, spiky-haired blond holding her hand. As he approached them, he began to think about his relationship with…

_You can learn to live without him_, he assured himself, but somewhere in his continued chant, and pursuit of Willow and Oz, he became lost in memories of his… Angel.

**To be continued...**

**A/N: **Okay, so now to go back and reveal exactly how Xander and Angel got to this point. PLEASE R&R!!! I put a lot of work into going back and not only scanning the episodes for these Xangel moments to work into my story, but getting accurate transcriptions of the dialogue, so I would love to know I'm not doing this merely for the fun of it (although it is fun [in a nerdy way])


	2. Revelations

**Title: **Retrospect

**Pairing:** Xander/Angel (mostly)

**Content Warnings: **Slash

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Joss Whedon's responsible. I just worship it.

**Author's Notes: **As mentioned in the previous chapter this story takes place during Season 3 of BtVS and incorporates numerous scenes and dialogue that I believe could hint at a Xangel relationship. This chapter takes place during the episode Revelations.

A few important notes on the format of my writing:

** = Replacement quotation marks to indicate actual dialogue from a television episode

---- = A memory that includes an actual scene from the show

___ = A memory of my own original conception and creation

_Italics_ = Thoughts/Inner dialogue of a character.

Xander clutched the wooden stake firmly in his hand, his best attempt to comfort himself, as he walked through the Restfield Cemetery. It was a cool night; luckily he'd brought his jacket to keep himself warm because he'd be shivering much more than he already was. Although, he may have better defined it as twitching and it was probably attributed to nerves, not the weather. The fact that he was walking around a cemetery, in Sunnydale no less (the land of the free helpless victims and the home of the Hellmouth!), by himself at night wasn't something that made him feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Sure, he'd felt gut-wrenchingly guilty about kissing Willow… again, in the library. He couldn't understand where the feelings had suddenly come from. He'd known Willow for as long as he could remember. She was his first friend. He still laughed to himself about how on the first day of Kindergarten Willow broke a crayon, he was pretty sure the yellow one in the box, and she was too scared to tell anyone, but she told him. She trusted him with what, at that time, was her biggest secret. That's where it started_. I'll have to tell her that story one day_, he thought to himself as he continued on his mission through the cemetery.

Yup. It started with a yellow crayon, and now they'd graduated to making out in the back of the library while they were supposed to be researching, and almost getting caught by Giles. The only part worse than his spurred, uncontrollable attraction to Willow, was the hiding and lying and sneaking around behind Cordelia and Oz's backs. Oz was Xander's best guy friend, and Cordelia, though he couldn't understand why sometimes, held a part of his heart. Maybe it was her sarcasm. That biting and abrasive sense of humor-- after all self-deprecation seemed to be a Harris family trait, it would only make sense for Xander to be attracted to a girl who enjoyed making fun of him as much as he made fun of himself. Maybe even more.

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that Cordelia was unbelievably attractive. Her smile, her hair, her perfectly toned body (of which Xander had only seen as much as any other guy at school) all contributed to Cordelia's appeal. She was exactly the girl Xander thought he could never get. And here he was, finally having bagged a prize like Cordy, yet he was sneaking around with adorable, homely Willow who was the "girl next door" in every way.

Maybe that had something to do with it. Cordelia was popular-- well at least before dating Xander. She was rich, beautiful, and for the most part intelligent. She was the girl every guy at Sunnydale wanted. Maybe that's why Xander wanted Willow. Dating Cordelia was definitely fun, and he had without a doubt developed some serious feelings for her, but maybe he'd just become… bored? And once you're with a girl like Cordy you've been with them all. But Willow was different.

Sweet, innocent, lovable Willow, she was Cordelia's opposite in every way. Xander marveled at how he could love two women at the same time, who were so incredibly different. But then Xander remembered he was seventeen-years-old, and at that age it wasn't terribly difficult to fall in love with any woman.

Wow. Love, he thought. Did he love Cordelia? I think he'd established that idea numerous times already. Yes. He did. But did he love… Willow? Certainly a seemingly silly question. Of course he loved Willow, they were best friends and had been since Yellow Crayon-gate, and that was something Xander cherished. No guy could wish for more in a best friend. But Xander knew that his love for Willow as a best friend, had nothing to do with his newly acquired feelings for her, that were in a more girlfriend kind of way. Now he was faced with a completely different question, although it was worded the same.

Did he love Willow?

A rustling in the trees above tore Xander from his conflicted inner crisis as he raised the stake in preparation for the worst. He realized, however, as the crow responsible for the noise flew into the night sky, that vampires typically didn't hang out in trees-- as far as he knew.

However, crows in a cemetery in Sunnydale? Probably not an omen of the good kind, if there was such a thing. Xander made his way past a number of headstones-- some elaborate some standard, as he began to see the foolishness of his actions.

Giles had put them to work researching a demon called Lagos, who was searching for some mystical glove, the Glove of Myhneghon. He was pretty touchy about the whole thing too, mainly because Faith's new watcher Gwendolyn Post had arrived in the dale and was busting Giles' balls, in a figurative sense of course. While researching, Xander and Willow had ended up in the back rows of books, one thing led to another, lips touched and Giles almost caught them. Anxious to escape the situation, and not have to confront his now very serious problem with Willow, he volunteered to check out a crypt where the glove might be. It belonged to some German family, the Von somethings. Giles had said it, but Xander wasn't really paying attention, a concept not exactly new. Maybe it was the Von Trapps, or the Von Halens? Eh, what did it matter?

The real issue was that Xander was very alone, very scared, and very much a tasty midnight snack on legs. He might as well have taped a flashing sign on his back that said "Bite me"!

**Hey Giles, here's a nifty idea! Why don't I alleviate my guilt by going out and getting myself really, really killed!** he said to no one in particular, which probably wasn't such a good idea. Talking to oneself wasn't a particularly attractive quality in the first place (not that it kept Xander from doing so), but he definitely didn't need to do anything that drew attention to himself right now.

He approached his destination, the crypt of the Von Hauftmans it turned out to be from the engraving over the entrance-- he was way off, although Von Halen wasn't that wild a guess. They kind of sounded the same. Von Hauftman, Von Ha-

His thoughts were once again cut short as he heard noises from within the crypt, and they definitely weren't coming from a crow. It was the sounds of rummaging. _Evil rummagin_g, Xander told himself.

He quickly leapt to the side, seeking cover behind some bushes next to a tree, as he saw someone leaving the crypt. He couldn't get a clear glimpse of the guy. _Dumb crypt pillager!_ Why wouldn't he turn around? _Oh wait_, Xander thought. _Okay he's turning, he's turning around, and_-

As Xander stared into the man's face, several things happened at once. His feet suddenly seemed to plant themselves more firmly to the ground, and he was sure if he tried or needed to run at that very second, he would be in big trouble. His heart, having just skipped a beat or two, was suddenly racing and not in the good "I'm aroused" kind of way. And all the air seemed to escape from his lungs, which was probably a good thing as he didn't need to give himself a way by going into hyperventilation. Despite all these physiological abnormalities, Xander could only focus on one thing. The man leaving the crypt. A man, or a monster, he'd come to know well.

It was Angel.

He prayed with all of his might that his eyes were just deceiving him. It was late, he had been reading a lot, and that was never a good thing for his brain. He could very much have been hallucinating the whole thing.

But if that were the case why wasn't he disappearing? _He should be disappearing right about now!_

Xander couldn't understand. The last time he had seen Angel, or Angelus, he was locked in battle with Buffy, and as history would tell, he came up on the short end of the stick, literally-- although it wasn't really a stick, or very short for that matter. Regardless, he was pretty sure that with that having happened Angel had been sent to Hell, thus ending the apocalypse and returning their lives to the comfortable level of terror and violence that existed pre-Angelus.

So then why was he staring at him, in the very non-hallucinogenic flesh? Why was Angel, or Angelus, walking around in broad-- moonlight, grave robbing a crypt that may have been home to a very dangerous magical weapon? How could he be here, back on Earth? How did he escape from Hell? And better yet if he had escaped from Hell why would he come back to Sunnydale? The two couldn't be much different in Xander's mind. That'd be like moving from Antarctica to the North Pole to escape the cold!

Gaining function of his body once more after putting together the very evil pieces, Xander decided to follow the vampire and see what he was up to. If he was going to stake the guy, a thought not at all far from being put into action, he wanted to at least have sound reason. Not that all of Angelus' little stunts a few months ago weren't reason enough.

As he pursued the monster, as stealthily as he could, Xander for some reason began to think about the first time he saw Angel. This was hardly the time to be reminiscing as if they were old friends, or lovers or something (a notion which made Xander want to laugh, twitch, and vomit at the same time), but nonetheless his mind began wandering to a night at the Bronze in his sophomore year…

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**Who's that?** Xander asked, his voice laced with jealousy and suspicion as he eyed the guy that Buffy had just not so subtly ditched him and Willow for. This guy was the epitome of tall, dark and handsome, and Xander didn't like it. Not one bit.

**That must be Angel! I think,** Willow said following Xander's gaze.

**That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?** He didn't dare take his eyes off of him, as Buffy moved her way through the room to get to this mysterious Angel.

**That's him, I'll bet you!** Willow said, a fascinated smile spreading across her face.

**Well he's buff!** Xander commented, as he scanned Angel's unmistakably muscular and toned body with a jealous scrutiny. He was ashamed to say he found no flaws. **She didn't say anything about him being buff!**

**You think he's buff?** she questioned, also not taking her eyes off of the beautiful, enigmatic stranger.

**Well he's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?** Xander complained as Buffy finally stood before him, her arms crossed over her chest.

Naturally, Xander, lacking the skill of enhanced hearing, hadn't the slightest clue of what Buffy and this Angel character may have been discussing. _He thinks, he's so hot with that dimpled smile, and those dark mysterious eyes, and that chiseled jaw! Buffy won't fall for that for a minute! _He tried to assure himself as he watched Buffy converse with the man. _How old is he anyway? He definitely is too old to go to school with us-- not without having flunked a few grades._

_Maybe he's in college_, Xander thought. _That would figure. Those college guys swooping in and trying to work their higher educational charm on the un-expecting high school prey. How cliché! He's probably one of those guys who tries o be all gentlemen-like and stands up when a girl goes to take a leak, or pulls their chair out for them when they sit down! So transparent, yet every girl always falls for it! But not Buffy, no she wouldn't-_

**Oh right! Give her your jacket!** Xander exclaimed as he saw Angel remove his leather jacket and place it on Buffy's shoulders. How predictable! **It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!**

Buffy couldn't be falling for this guy's act. She was smarter than that. Xander was sure of it. Pretty soon Buffy would see right through Mr. Broody Leather Trench wearing guy and realize she loved Xander all along.

_Yup_, Xander assured himself. _Good things come to those who wait. Angel will be out of the picture and Buffy will fall for the Xanman!_

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In that single brief memory, Xander (laughing off his very poor prediction of what the future held) was able to pinpoint the moment where his hatred for Angel originated.

Well maybe hate was too strong a word. Surely Xander didn't hate Angel… _No wait_, he thought, _I surely do! In fact maybe hate isn't strong enough a word!_ Maybe loathe, or detest was more accurate, but he'd settle for hate no less.

He never trusted the guy, and unfortunately (even Xander had to admit), his suspicions turned out to be horribly true when Angel lost his soul and Angelus, the demon within, emerged and unleashed his sick and twisted reign of terror on the Scoobies and a number of hapless civilian victims.

Xander was relieved by one truth though, and that was even though it took plunging a sword through his heart for her to realize it, Buffy finally wizened up and sent Angel to the fiery death he deserved.

Xander couldn't help but have a nagging qualm in the back of his head that told him he manipulated Buffy and may have been solely responsible for putting Willow's restoration spell to waste and sentencing Angel to an unnecessary death, what with his little message he had "delivered from Willow".

"Kick his ass!" he had said to Buffy. And of course it may have been a slightly loose interpretation of what Willow's original message was in which she said to stall, but in the end the world was saved, so in Xander's mind it all worked out perfectly. Angel getting sent to Hell turned out to be a bonus (while Buffy's running away was a minor setback, but she returned, so all was good).

Nonetheless, he knew that whether or not it was Angel or Angelus he was pursuing (not that he saw much difference in the two), Buffy would do what she had to do and make dust bunnies of the cold-blooded killer.

Deciding to find out where Angel was heading before going to tell the others of his rather monumental discovery, Xander squeezed the stake in his hand tighter as Angel entered the old mansion on Crawford Street-- the place where it all went down. It was only natural for Angel to be going there. After all that was his home, and home is where the undead heart is.

Xander cautiously made his way down the stone steps into the little courtyard. _I'm like a big jungle cat_, Xander thought to himself, admiring his own prowess and stealth. He'd been following Angel for about five minutes and hadn't been caught and viciously mauled to death, so right now he'd done a pretty damn good job. _Maybe I should try my luck as a Secret Agent. I could wear a tux, drive an insanely expensive car, and some sport some cool trademark accessory. An eye patch! Yeah eye patches looked dangerous._

Banishing the irrelevant, yet entertaining, thoughts to the back of his head (for now), Xander slowly approached a frosted, broken window. There was light coming from inside, which made sense considering Angel was in there. Despite their sun allergy vamps still needed artificial light just like everyone else.

_Let's see what evil Deadboy's up to_, Xander said to himself as he peered into the window. _Wait until Buffy and the others get a load of-_

It happened again. Those physiological abnormalities where he couldn't move, his heart beat quickened, and his ability to breathe faltered suddenly returned-- only twice as strong now. Not to mention his thoughts of vomiting came back for a cameo.

Inside, Angel was locked in a passionate kiss, with none other than Buffy.

Despite his initial shock (and nausea), a voice in the back of Xander's mind thought, _it makes sense. If Angel had come back, Buffy would most likely be the first person to know, and apparently take advantage of that truth._

How could Buffy do this? More importantly, how long had she been hiding this from him and the others?

Xander understood Buffy loved Angel. Well, actually he didn't understand why she loved him, but he accepted it as a fact. He knew how hard it must have been for Buffy to kill Angel even though his soul had been restored. Although, looking back on all he'd done as Angelus it couldn't have been that hard. And naturally she'd be glad he'd returned from his eternal punishment and torture in some cruel and hopefully sunny Hell dimension. Well, actually it wasn't that natural.

By that point, Xander realized there was no way to rationalize what Buffy was doing. She was wrong, wrong, wrong and no matter which way one tried to spin the situation it didn't make sense to him.

With this, he slowly began to retreat from the window (he'd done so good following Angel there he didn't need to blow it now!), and headed back up the stairs and out of the mansion.

He had to tell the others. He had to tell the others Angel was back, the cold-blooded heartless murder, and that Buffy knew. Oh boy did she know.

**A/N: **As you all know, in this episode after the action that takes place in this chapter the Scoobies hold an intervention for Buffy and reveal they know about Angel. Xander loses his cool and even tries to help Faith kill Angel, but he comes to his senses with the others when Angel helps stop Gwendolyn Post from using the glove. Okay, so in the next chapter another memory of Xander's will reveal an encounter he had with Angelus that only adds to his mistrust of Angel (and maybe some other feelings he may have/be developing) not to mention some fun with Xangel! Please R & R!!!!!


	3. Wallowing: Part 1

**Title: **Wallowing: Part 1

**Pairing:** Xander/Angel (mostly)

**Content Warnings: **Slash

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Joss Whedon's responsible. I just worship it.

**Author's Notes: **As mentioned in the previous chapter this story takes place during Season 3 of BtVS and incorporates numerous scenes and dialogue that could be used to hint at a Xangel relationship. The beginning of this chapter takes place shortly after the episode Lovers Walk, while the flashback occurs after Season 2's Killed by Death.

A few important notes on the format of my writing:

** = Replacement quotation marks to indicate actual dialogue from a television episode

- = A memory that includes an actual scene from the show

_ = A memory of my own original conception and creation

_Italics_ = Thoughts/Inner dialogue of a character.

Enjoy!

Xander had hit an all-time low.

And for Xander LaVelle Harris, that was definitely saying something. That was a feat not easily accomplished.

Being the only child of Tony and Jessica Harris, he was no stranger to confrontation, disappointment, upset or embarrassment. In fact he was a long time friend to all those concepts; Heck they got together and played poker on the weekends.

But something about this particular rut made him feel particularly crappy.

Xander wasn't sure if he believed in God. He certainly knew there was a mystical, magical world beyond the human realm, compliments of one Buffy Summers (and he sometimes wondered if he was better off with this knowledge or not), but the whole one creator who guides our lives and watches over us was still a non-certainty. The one thing Xander did know was that if there was a God he probably didn't need cable. He could just tune into life as Xander Harris and would get all the entertainment he needed. The man upstairs must have taken some sick pleasure in watching Xander's life fall apart.

It was bad enough he and Willow had been attacked by Spike. It was bad enough he hadn't been able to protect them. It was bad enough they were held against their will unless Willow performed a love spell for their bleachy-haired captor. With all odds against them Xander figured things couldn't get any worse. With death looming on the horizon, he couldn't conceive of things turning more sour.

Cue Oz and Cordelia charging in at exactly the WRONG moment to rescue them and finding him and Willow in a rather compromising lip-lock.

It was one thing to be caught cheating under normal circumstances. It was another to be caught cheating when your significant other had come to save your life and put theirs at risk in the process. But as if that weren't enough, as if enough salt hadn't been rubbed into Xander's wounds already, Cordelia gets impaled after falling through the stairs which she had run up to escape the discovered infidelity.

Yup. Xander had definitely hit an all-time low.

The sun had set, a bleak yet appropriate metaphor for his life at the moment, as he was on the way home from a visit to the hospital and another failed attempt to beg for Cordelia's forgiveness. He could hardly blame her for her refusal to further acknowledge his existence. After days of wallowing in his own self-pity he clearly saw how his actions would spur such anger and wrath from a girl who was already pretty thorny to begin with. He just wished her anger wasn't so… well, angry!

_Leave it to me to not only ruin a perfectly content relationship, but to ruin my best friend's and ruin any chance I may have had with her too_! He thought bitterly as he walked into town, and it was true. Willow was so guilt-ridden and desperate to gain not only Oz's forgiveness and trust, but to also reconcile their relationship she wouldn't look twice at Xander in a romantic way ever again. The whole incident had made her realize just how much she cared for him and how in the grand scheme of things, her fling with Xander was just a big, huge, stupid mistake. The fluke of all flukes.

Xander couldn't help, but agree. It took getting caught cheating for him to realize how much Cordy and their relationship meant to him, and now his chances of getting that trust and love back were pretty much non-existent.

Despite all of the angst and drama, Xander couldn't bring himself to blame or resent Willow. Accomplice to the cheating or not, she was his best friend and they would face this issue together. Well, not technically. They had agreed to stay as far away from each other as possible (Hellmouth duty withstanding) as long as it took to reconcile with Oz and Cordelia, but nonetheless, they were a united front- a very awkward, separated, avoid-y united front.

Xander didn't blame Willow at all. Being kidnapped and held hostage and fearing for their lives they made an impulsive and stupid decision. It was understandable, and he couldn't see why the others didn't try to look at it with more sympathy. People do all kinds of crazy, stupid things when danger is present and the adrenaline starts rushing. Well, maybe he was being unfair.

He knew exactly where the blame lay, and he would be kidding himself if he didn't allow the proper party to accept the responsibility for the catastrophe.

It was Spike_. _

_It's ALL Spike's fault._ Xander said to himself._ Captain Peroxide just had to come parading back into Sunnydale in a drunken stupor and screw up everyone's happiness all because he got dumped by Ms. "Hi I'm insane" Drusilla! _

In a way he pitied Spike. The poor guy never saw it coming. Why he never did was beyond Xander; expecting a stable relationship from a woman as unstable as Drusilla was the definition of flawed logic. Spike must have been wading in that ol' river in Egypt called DENIAL, but he certainly didn't need to drag Xander into his relationship problems with Sybill.

If Spike had never come back maybe Willow could have done the anti-love spell, and they wouldn't be in this mess. Or better yet, maybe they would have come to their senses and realized what they were doing was wrong and stupid and potentially life-destroying for all involved.

And unsurprisingly enough, who leaves this whole thing unscathed? Who gets off the hook? SPIKE! He leaves town without a trace, probably gloating in all the trouble he caused and heartbreak he left behind.

_Stupid vampire_, Xander muttered mentally. _If I ever get a hold of that guy again I'm going to do what Buffy's neglected to do and dust him nice and proper! That guy's a menace, and not even in a sociopathic serial killer kind of way, but an annoying, mischief-making kind of way. Wait he kills people too! He's double-y a menace. Two times the evil!_

Xander's mental assault on Spike was cut short when one of the people Xander least needed to see at the moment, came into his view.

Now Xander had a list of people he least needed nor wanted to see right now. Of course it wasn't a literal, physical list. That would be just silly. It was a mental list. Number one on said list was Oz. Pissed off werewolf- not someone he would exactly want to sit down and have tea and scones with. Two was Willow, for obvious reasons. Three was Spike, for even more obvious reasons. Four was Buffy- he wasn't sure if he could face her right now. Buffy was his best friend, but that didn't mean she wouldn't judge him for what he and Willow had done, and he wasn't sure if he could deal with that right now. And then there was number five. Xander really had no particular reason for not wanting to see him, besides a seething hatred and mistrust, and apart from Spike, he was the only person who had a permanent place on the list, along with Ronald McDonald and Richard Simmons. _Maybe I should write this down, all these names and numbers are confusing_, Xander thought. _It's like the SATs_.

Xander brought himself back to reality as he glared at number five on his list.

_Speaking of sociopathic serial killers_, Xander thought as he spotted Angel walking amongst the crowd of people in the Sunnydale shopping district toting a brown paper bag.

_I bet Deadboy's got some apocalypse-y evil in that bag. No doubt, some sale items from Apocalypses 'R Us_, Xander speculated

Sure Angel had helped stop Gwendolyn Post from causing some serious damage with the Glove of Myhnegohn, and sure, he and Buffy had pursued Spike to try and save him and Willow (as they later found out), but ever since the hell that was dished out when Angel lost his soul, Xander couldn't bring himself to trust Angel.

Angel hadn't just tried to kill them. He tormented them, especially Buffy, not to mention his fun little torture session with Giles. As long as Angel was around, and more to the point involved romantically with Buffy, he posed a threat to everyone around him no matter how "careful" he and Buffy tried to be. No matter what way they approached it they were walking on eggshells. Buffy insisted they were not "together" together, but Xander didn't buy it for one minute.

Every time Xander looked at Angel, he could only see the killer within, and very, VERY deep down where no one could ever know, a part of Xander wanted to believe Angel wasn't dangerous and could be trusted. Xander didn't like the guy, he hated him even, and he hated saying it, but it would be silly to pretend Angel hadn't helped a lot of people in his work with the Scoobies, probably not as many people as he tortured and killed, but still worth noting. Angel had even saved Xander's life, even before the most recent occasion.

Still, Xander wasn't a fan of denial. He could face the truth and wasn't keen on people who tried to find ways around it. No matter how objective he tried to be about Angel, and Buffy dating Angel, he was forced to relive the events that took place just months ago, particularly one experience with Angelus that, no matter how much he tried to repress it, kept resurfacing.

* * *

It had been a long day, as the days usually were for Xander, and all he could think about was his bed. It surely hadn't been made, and there may have been a load of laundry or two piled on top of it, but either way he planned on collapsing into a deep slumber.

The gang had stayed late into the night at the library, Buffy excepted (who despite her insistence was not allowed by Joyce to leave the house due to the flu) as they usually did the past few days. They were gathering as much research as they could and trying to plan their next move on how to deal with Angel- or Angelus. _Whatever name he is using these days_, Xander muttered to himself.

The group was still reeling from the shock of Jenny Calendar's death at the hand of the sadistic vampire. They had progressed in their grief, and at this point had moved from sadness, to a numbed realization: Angelus was not the man they had come to know the past year, and no one was safe from his wrath.

What was even more upsetting, was that Jenny's death had come after a series of victories in their battle against Angelus. After their defeat of the Judge, thanks to a nifty rocket launcher (Xander mentally patted himself on the back for that one), and finding the spell to revoke Angelus' admittance into the homes of Buffy and Willow, and at her unyielding insistence, Cordelia's car. All of which came crashing down with the news of Ms. Calendar's murder.

Still, the loss of Ms. Calendar, in a way, brought the group closer together. Xander and Willow were even keeping Buffy company while she was getting over the flu she infected herself with to defeat Der Kindestod, so for the two it was school and Buffy by day and studying Angelus by night.

Understandably, all of this commotion was taking quite the toll on Xander's body and sleeping habits, which was why he was so anxious to get as much sleep as possible before school the next day. He wearily placed his key in the lock of his front door and pushed it open. Unsurprisingly, his father had passed out, most likely drunk on the couch in front of the television while his mother was curled up in the recliner with her box of bon bons.

Xander didn't feel a need to greet them- they had a routine of silently acknowledging the presence of one another. Xander considered rummaging the kitchen for what he presumed was a dinner consisting of various leftovers, but was astounded to realize he was to tired to eat. Shaking his head at this revelation he proceeded up the stairs.

"Oh, Xander," his mother called after him, not taking her eyes of the television and her bon bons.

"Yeah mom?" he replied massaging his temples as he continued his ascent.

"One of your friends came by earlier tonight, he was looking for you."

Xander stopped dead in his tracks.

"Friend? What friend?"

"I don't know a young guy, good-looking. He asked if you were around and when you'd be home."

Xander suddenly felt a lump in his throat.

"You didn't invite him in did you?"

"Of course, I did. Unlike your father I have manners." Xander felt his heart twinge and a chill ran up his spine.

"Yeah, he was a nice boy, told me his name... something with an L..."

Xander straightened up a bit at this statement.

"An L?"

"Yeah, I think it was Louis... or no, Larry, yeah I think it was Larry." Xander breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and felt his heart resume it's pulsation. He then frowned a bit. "What did Larry want?"

"I don't know, he didn't stick around very long. It had just gotten dark, he probably wanted to get home," she responded with a bit of agitation in her voice.

"Okay, thanks." He started up the stairs again, stopping abruptly. "Mom, the next time a guy comes here asking for me, you don't have to be so mannerly. Make him wait outside the door, okay?"

His mother, who had shifted her attention back to the television and bon bons didn't answer. Xander laughed a bit to himself, and climbed the rest of the stairs, entering his bedroom.

He closed the door, and after hastily removing his shoes and socks, jeans and his shirt dove onto his bed, which to his pleasure was not covered in dirty laundry. He fleetingly wondered to himself why Larry Blaisdell had come by his house, frowning slightly at the worry Larry had still misunderstood the circumstances of their last discussion. _I hope he still doesn't think I'm gay_, he thought to himself. _Larry's a nice guy- in a mean, meathead bully kind of way, but he's not exactly "my type"_. Nevertheless, he decided that could be dealt with tomorrow.

He had begun to dose off when a knock on his door awoke him.

He lazily muttered something in response that was supposed to be "What?" but probably sounded more like a non-descript groan.

"I just remembered," his mother began. "The boy didn't say his name was Larry, it was Liam. I don't know how I got the two confused."

Suddenly, Xander felt something heavy fall on him and a cold (inhumanly cold) hand clasped over his mouth.

** To be continued...**

**A/N: **Okay, so I know I haven't updated this in about a year, but I can explain! I'm in college and finding the time that's needed for this fic during the school year is nigh impossible, so now that I'm on summer break I can pick up from where I started! As promised in the last chapter, the next chapter will wrap up Xander's traumatizing memory, and make way for some Xangel fun in the present time of the s/l.


	4. Wallowing: Part 2

**Title: **Wallowing: Part 2

**Pairing:**Xander/Angel (mostly)

**Content Warnings: **Slash

**Disclaimer:**I own nothing. Joss Whedon's responsible. I just worship it.

**Author's Notes: **This chapter still takes place shortly after the episode Lovers Walk (excluding the flashback to Season 2 prior to Killed by Death in the beginning).

A few important notes on the format of my writing:

- - = A memory that includes an actual scene from the show

_ = A memory of my own original conception and creation

_Italics_ = Thoughts/Inner dialogue of a character.

* * *

"Xander did you hear me?" his mother asked.

Xander didn't respond, partially because he was too paralyzed by fear to even think or breathe immediately, but mainly because Angelus had his hand held tight over Xander's mouth.

"Okay never mind then, I'm going to bed," she said after a long pause. "Oh, if you go downstairs don't be afraid if you hear any noises. I left your father on the couch."

Xander's heart dropped as he heard his mother's footsteps proceed down the hall, followed by the sound of her door closing shut.

"That was rude not to answer your mother, Xander. She's such a nice lady," Angelus whispered into Xander's ear. "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but I never assumed your family to be of the white trash variety."

Xander opened his mouth and bit the inside of Angelus's palm as hard as he could. His eyes opened wide in terror as the vampire on top of him began to chuckle quietly.

"So you're a biter?" he commented, pulling Xander's hair and cocking his head to the side, allowing him to nestle his lips close to Xander's neck. "Well, so am I." He grazed his teeth along Xander's neck. "Now, when I take my hand from your mouth, you're not going to scream, or call for help from your parents, because if you do- one, they probably wouldn't even hear you in their drunken stupor and two, well, you know what I did to Ms. Calendar. She got off easy."

Xander was trying his best to keep a level head. At least as level-headed as one could be in a situation like this. He'd always considered the possibility of Angelus attacking him, even in his home, but the fact that it was actually happening was something Xander still couldn't quite wrap his head around. He thought he had mentally organized some kind of emergency plan should he find himself in this situation, but right now, all he could think about was the likely possibility this would be his last night alive.

_Okay, so there's a homicidal maniac lying on top of me, which is actually making me very uncomfortable_, he thought to himself. _Should I do what he says? He'll probably just kill me anyway. What would Buffy do?_

"Do we have an understanding?" Angelus asked.

_What would Buffy do? Fight back for sure. I could try to fight... Oh who am I kidding? She's the Slayer. Super strong, super fast, and super cunning. My only talent where slaying is concerned is regularly getting almost killed._

"This isn't jeopardy, boy," Angelus whispered harshly.

For a moment, Xander hoped Buffy and the others would charge into the room and save him. That's the way it usually happened. Buffy came in at the right time, in the right place, right in the nick of time. He imagined her crashing through his window (and she always eerily somehow knew exactly which window/wall to crash through) and taking on Angelus.

However, he had a feeling his luck had run short in this particular situation. Buffy was probably fast asleep by now, trying to fight off the flu, not her evil ex-lover. Buffy wasn't coming.

Making an impulse decision, Xander nodded his head, giving a sigh of surrender.

In one swift motion, Angelus removed his hand from Xander's mouth, leapt up from the bed and had Xander pinned against the opposite wall.

"See, I'm not such a bad guy. I'm open to compromise," Angelus said, morphing into his regular face.

"Go to hell!" Xander replied breathlessly.

"I'll pass. Too many familiar faces."

"What do you want?"

"Hmm, to bring chaos to the unsuspecting world, strike fear in the hearts of children, oh, and one those little Tamogotchi pets. Dru says their evil, but I just think they're so darn cute!"

"What do you want with _me_?" Xander responded acidly.

"Oh Xander, what do you think? It's not like you have anything to offer me, but the obvious." He grabbed Xander's throat and cocked it to the side, once again exposing his neck. "I contemplated killing your parents earlier, but they reaked of alcohol. I was afraid if I fed on them I wouldn't be sober when you finally got here."

"You know what, if you're gonna kill me do it now. I don't think I can stand the sound of your voice for much longer," Xander said, trying his best to sound unaffected.

Angelus chuckled villainously again, and Xander suddenly felt as though all the wind had been knocked from his body as Angelus' fist made contact with his stomach. He then felt his body being hurled through the air, yet landing almost silently on the bed.

"You always try to be so brave, Xander," Angelus said, practically resting beside Xander on the bed with his hand wrapped tightly around his neck. "Especially in front of _her_."

Xander met Angelus' gaze.

"Do you think it will ever make a difference? Do you think it will change the way she feels about you?" Angelus probed. Xander squirmed only to have Angelus tighten the grip on his neck. "Your heart is pounding so loudly it's almost drowning out the sound of your alcoholic father's snoring downstairs. You're not brave, nor heroic. You're just a little boy, trying to make Buffy think you're a man. No matter how many times you gift-wrap her a rocket launcher, perform a love spell, which went terribly wrong by the way, or play bodyguard while she's sick, that will never change."

Xander tried to remove Angelus' hand from his neck once more, who this time didn't even bother trying to further incapacitate him. At this point it wasn't necessary. _He's got me_, Xander thought to himself in defeat. _I can't fight him._

"She sees it, the others see it. _Cordelia_ sees it. How do you think it makes her feel- you always trying to be Buffy's knight in shining armor? The thing about girls like Buffy and Cordelia is, they want a man who will take control... although Buffy does enjoy being on top."

Xander hurled his fist toward Angelus' face with all his strength, who without even flinching, had his own wrapped around it in the blink of an eye.

"It really gets to you doesn't it?" Angelus' inquired. "The fact that Buffy doesn't even give you a second glance, yet she gave it _all _up to me. Even now that she's freed the monster within and her little lovey bear is on a permanent vacation, no matter how hard she tries to convince herself she can kill me, she can't. She still loves me."

"Fuck you!" Xander managed to growl back.

"No thanks, you're not my type." Angelus replied. Once again moving at incredible speed, he was suddenly on top of Xander again, pinning his hands above his head. "Then again, I've been alive for a long time... there's almost nothing I haven't tried Xander."

Xander's eyes widened as Angelus rested his head on his bare chest.

"I can feel the blood pumping from your heart. It's running through every vein, every capillary, filling up every... appendage." Angelus skillfully removed one hand from Xander's wrists while still keeping them pinned, and ran it down Xander's arm, down to his side, slowly going further down before resting his hand on the waistband of Xander's boxers. "Your fear, your scent... it's, dare I say, intoxicating. Maybe it's because you're the only person in this house whose blood isn't 80% alcohol, but I'm still anxious for a taste. It kind of _excites _me... Don't think that makes me some kind of deviant, hmm? Do ya?"

At this point Xander began to feel his eyes tearing up. The last thing he wanted right now, even less so than being murdered by Angelus, was for Angelus to have the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

In what felt like a blurred motion Angelus quickly positioned Xander on his knees with his arms twisted behind his back. Angel pressed his form into Xander.

"I must admit," Angelus began, running a free hand across Xander's face, before grabbing his jaw and turning his head so their eyes met, "your puppy dog eyes, smooth skin, the shape of your mouth- almost have a feminine softness to them. You're a beautiful man Xander..."

The tears spilled over Xander's eyelids as Angelus began to close the distance between their lips.

Suddenly, Xander was thrown on the floor, and Angelus, after straddling him, gave him two hard strikes across the face, laughing sinsterly. "Unfortunately- for you- I'll just settle for killing you... but not now. That would be so predictable, almost anti-climactic. I want the Slayer to be there, watching when I drain the blood from your body. Just know, in the very near future, I'll be back. For you, Cordelia, Giles... I can only imagine the things I'll do to sweet, sweet Willow."

"Stop it," Xander muttered. "Just stop."

"Save the begging for when that day comes me boy," Angelus teased in an Irish drawl. "Until then, sleep tight."

And in an instant, he leapt off of Xander and headed for the window. Suddenly, he stopped. "On second thought..." Xander closed his eyes painfully. "I'm going to go out the front door. After all, I was invited in."

With that, Angelus stalked pass Xander, not even bothering to look down at him. He opened the bedroom door and disappeared, closing it quietly, as if not to disturb Xander's sleeping parents.

Xander, took a deep breath, for what seemed like the first time through that encounter, and slowly picked himself up off the ground; but he found it extremely difficult. He didn't understand why he felt so tired and weak. All he'd done was lay there and let Angelus...

He collapsed onto his bed and began sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow, trying his hardest not to make a sound. Not for fear of Angelus coming back, but of waking up his parents. Fear of being seen in this state.

Xander had never felt so violated in his life, and the worst part of it all was that Angelus had, in reality, shown him mercy; so Xander lay there, collapsed on his bed as he imagined he would be earlier that night. Only he wouldn't be going to sleep any time soon.

* * *

Xander shuddered as he returned to the present world, feeling goosebumps underneath his clothing.

_That son of a bitch, _he thought to himself, as he watched Angel walking. He remembered how it took weeks before he was able to sleep at all again, even after Buffy had killed Angel. He remembered how he had to beg Amy Madison to perform the spell to reverse Angel's invitation, who was overtly unwilling and reluctant after the love spell had gone awry. He remembered most that he had to go to Amy in the first place because he was too ashamed to tell his friends about the encounter, and how he had to hide the trauma of the occurence so not to arouse their suspicions.

He felt he had no reason to tell them, and humiliate himself. Angel hadn't said anything new. "I'm gonna kill the slayer, but first I'm gonna torture her friends." The same ole' song and tap dance.

Soon enough though, that shame turned to rage, and Xander became hungry for vengeance against Angel- Angelus. That was the problem. Despite the fact that he had gotten his own personal revenge against Angelus by giving Buffy an altered description of Willow's message to stall while she re-ensouled Angel, and no matter how many times he heard Buffy say that Angel and Angelus were separate beings, and Angel had no control over Angelus' actions, Xander couldn't separate his hatred and disgust of Angelus from Angel, who he never liked very much to begin with.

All these thoughts ran through Xander's head as he followed Angel through the outskirts of the stores and shoppes in town... into a cemetery.

_How typical_, Xander thought. _Well, this isn't making things look any better for Deadboy. Walking through a cemetery at night with a bag that is undoubtedly filled with apocalyptic paraphenalia. Not good at all._

Xander continued his pursuit through the cemetery, being careful not to get too close or make too much noise. He was again considering a future career as a Secret Agent, or at least a Private I, when suddenly a crow flew directly over his head, startling him and causing him to wheel around in fright.

_Damn birds,_ he thought as he composed himself. _It's bad enough we've got demons and vampires, I don't need the birds to start attacking._

He turned back around to find that Angel had disappeard from sight. _Crap, I lost him!_

"Is there a reason you're following me?" came a voice from over Xander's shoulder.

He jumped, yelping and turning to find Angel standing behind him.

"You shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"

"Says the guy who is stalking me," Angel replied impatiently.

"Stalking? Oh, don't flatter yourself. I was... tailing you, because I know you and your paper bag of evil are up to no good!"

"What are you talking about?"

"What's in the bag Angel?"

"Blood," Angel replied blankly.

"Aha! The blood of virgin girls you're going to use in some sort of ritual sacrifice!"

"No, the blood of pigs I'm going to eat for dinner."

"Don't you mean breakfast? Vampire!" Xander retorted. "And those may have just been pigs to you, but to someone else they were Wilbur, Babe and Piglet!"

"As entertaining as this conversation is, I would just like to take my blood and leave. A_lone_."

Angel started forward, only for Xander to step in front of his path.

"Unless, you have something else you want to say to me."

"Maybe I do, Deadboy."

"Well then say it. We're burning moonlight here, and I get kind of grouchy when I'm hungry."

"Fine! I think-"

"Duck!" Angel interrupted, pushing Xander aside and to the ground just in time to take the tackle from a vampire who'd come charging out of nowhere.

"Hey, I wasn't finished talking!" Xander exclaimed, standing up again. The vampire struck Angel with two fists to the face, before Xander pulled him off. He got in about three good hits before the vamp ducked his fourth attempt, and sent him hurling backward through the air with a roundhouse kick to the chest. His head made impact with a nearby head stone and he sunk to the ground unconscious.

By this time Angel had regained his footing, and struck the vamp with a left-hook, uppercut and hitch kick to the chin. He stepped defensively between the vampire and Xander.

"Why are you protecting this human?" the vampire queried.

"The kid's kind of a pain, but you're not getting anywhere near him," Angel replied before pulling out a stake to finish the job. The vamp charged again, and Angel quickly dropped to the ground swiping the vamp off his feet and onto his back. "Besides, it's what I do." He plunged the stake into the vampire's heart, and it exploded in a cloud of dust.

Angel brushed himself off, and looked over at Xander lying on the ground. He looked over at the bag of blood, some of the contents of which had spilled. He sighed deeply, walking over to Xander, lifted him up into his arms, and headed off toward the mansion.

Xander began to stir. He didn't remember exactly what had happened, but this was a feeling he was pretty familiar with by now. He'd been knocked unconscious.

The last thing he remembered was following Angel, and vaguely being in a cemetery. He surveyed his surroundings. He was lying on satin sheets in a very large bedroom. The floor was stone, the air was drafty, and there were very few items of furniture. He recognized this place.

"The mansion!" he exclaimed sitting up. The sensation was delayed at first, but it wasn't long before a throbbing pain erupted in Xander's head- one of the typical after-effects of being knocked unconscious.

Angel entered the room swiftly, moving to Xander's side.

"You should lay back down. You hit your head pretty hard," he said, although his tone was slightly lacking in sympathy.

"You knocked me unconscious and brought me here against my will!" Xander accused the vampire.

"As usual, you're jumping to absurd conclusions. Maybe you forgot, compliments of a slight concussion, but I saved your life," Angel responded pointedly.

"The vamp," Xander said slowly, remembering the attack. "I got knocked out by some no-name vamp!"

"And I staked said 'no-name vamp'. You're welcome."

"You expect me to thank you?"

"Well gee, saving your life may seem like a pretty small favor to you, but in most cultures of the world it usually warrants at least a thank you."

"Well, thankfully we live in the United States and I have a constitutionally-given right to exercise my lack of gratitude. Read the 19th Amendment."

"That was women's suffrage."

"That too!" Xander replied. Angel rolled his eyes

"I had to leave my blood in the cemetery so I could carry you here. If you're not going to thank me, I'll settle for the $15 you owe me," Angel retorted.

"Hey I didn't ask you to bring me here," Xander reponsded. "Besides, you have super strength, couldn't you carry both?"

"I'm a vampire, not a juggling circus act. Would you rather I had left you in the middle of the cemetery? You wouldn't have made it through the night."

"I would rather have taken my chances."

"Why are you acting like this? Maybe I haven't stressed this point clearly enough, but I saved your life."

"That's the problem!" Xander spat back. Angel's brow furrowed in confusion.

"I don't get you. You follow me around, you're constantly accusing me of being evil, and even after I save your life, _again_, you still can't bring yourself to say a simple 'thank you'. You can't let go of the notion that I'm always hatching some insidious plan."

"Well with your track record I'd say my suspicions weren't so far-fetched." Xander responded coldly. Angel paused for a moment, staring into Xander's eyes.

"Angelus is gone. I know the things he- I did can't be forgiven or forgotten-"

"Angelus isn't gone. Maybe he's been put in solitary confinement inside your evil, overly-gelled head, but as far as I'm concerned you're still a monster. A dangerous monster that could be released at any time."

"I have my soul back, and I don't plan on losing it this time."

"Well I don't see that working with Buffy in the picture."

"We're just friends," Angel said on the heels of Xander's last comment.

"Right, just friends." Xander snorted, rolling his eyes. "Well, as long as you two are being 'just friends', you're putting the lives of everyone Buffy loves and countless people in danger. Look, I wish I could say this has been fun- no wait, I don't. I'm perfectly happy saying this has been one of the crappiest nights of my entire life, but I need to be leaving now."

Xander stood from the bed, but was suddenly caught by a dizzy spell. He stumbled a bit, and Angel quickly grabbed him.

"You're not going anywhere until you've fully recovered. At least you'll be safe here until then."

"Safe? With you? Again, I'd rather take my chances out there than be in here with you."

"Fine at least let me call Buffy, or Willow and have someone take you home."

"No!" Xander exclaimed, getting dizzy again and leaning on Angel for support. "Don't call her- them. I don't... I can't see any of them right now."

Angel helped Xander into the main room, despite his protest, and sat him down on the couch. Angel brought Xander a glass of water. The fireplace was already burning, and the light danced on the bare walls of the mansion. The air was filled with tension.

"Well if there's no one that can take you home, and I'm willing to wager you don't want me to do it, you're only option is to stay here," Angel said, settling into the chair opposite Xander.

"Or take my chances alone."

"And die."

"Death ain't so bad."

"Damnit Xander!"

"Fine!" Xander surrendered, his face flustering. "I'll stay, but the moment I can walk around without getting all woozy and the room going all swirly I'm out of here."

"Fine by m-"

"On the condition you don't talk to me," Xander interrupted him. Angel squinted his eyes in frustration.

"Xander grow u-"

"No talky!" Xander asserted, cutting Angel off.

"Fine," Angel said.

"Good!" Xander answered quickly, intent on having the last word.

And the two sat in silence, occasionally taking turns looking at one another and then quickly glancing away before the other noticed, as the fire continued to burn and crackle with a loudness that only added to their discomfort.

**To be continued...**

**A/N:** PLEASE REVIEW! I will try my best to upload at least one chapter a week from now on! The line, "Don't think that makes me a deviant, hmm? Do ya?" is taken from the episode "Destiny" in the 5th season of Angel, and there is a reference to the love spell gone awry that Amy Madison performed in "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered".

It was so difficult for me to remember to write Angelus, and not Angel, in the flashback scene! And I know I promised Xangel fun (again), but I promise that will happen AFTER the next chapter, which I'm considering writing from Angel's point of view (which I hadn't planned to do at all)!


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